In your heart, you know you want to do it differently.
Conventional parenting practices don’t feel right for you – and you know they do more harm than good.
Maybe you practised attachment parenting, you’ve learned a lot about focusing on the relationship with your child rather than their behaviour and know that this is the kind of parent you want to be.
Some days seem so easy!
You’re calm and collected.
You’re able to sit down in peace for a meal altogether, then the kids are playing and you pause for a moment to watch them.
You feel so lucky and grateful to have these amazing little people in your life.
Even when the peace is momentarily disturbed by a squabble or fight, you stay calm, present, practise your breathing, help them resolve their conflict constructively by verbalising and mirroring.
You recognise their needs and respond positively.
You know that this is how you want everyday to be – yet days like this still feel like the exception.
You understand all about behaviour as communication, emotional needs, the importance of self-care and doing the inner work – and there are days when family life feels anything but peaceful and you certainly wouldn’t describe yourself as gentle.
These days can be discouraging and emotionally overwhelming and you feel guilty for not getting it “right”.
The reality is that being a peaceful parent is not a state you can seek to achieve but a journey, a path you take another step along everyday in life with your kids.
Being a peaceful parent isn’t about it always being easy – or even peaceful. There won’t always be harmony, we won’t always feel contented – nor will our kids.
A peaceful family home doesn’t mean there won’t be conflicts. There will still be disagreements, big feelings, tears and frustration It’s how we deal with those things, the internal resources we have on any given day to handle difficult situations, that makes the difference.
As you try to juggle everyone’s seemingly conflicting needs, you’ll use your parental power, sometimes unconsciously and sometimes well aware that you’re doing so.
You’ll still find yourself reacting in ways you don’t want to.
“Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process, gradually changing opinions, slowly eroding old barriers, quietly building new structures.” — John F. Kennedy
Those days will feel hard, perhaps even harder because you didn’t think that these things would still be par for the course when you’re trying to do it differently.
Being a peaceful parent and creating a peaceful family home means connecting deeply with your children – and yourself – allowing, embracing and holding space for all the feelings and emotions that are being human.
Being a peaceful parent is in many ways more about the times when family life isn’t peaceful than when it is.
Family life is messy and none of us are perfect parents. It isn’t human nature to be perfect, and although we may sometimes wish we were superparents, our kids just need us to be human so they can feel safe being human too.
Every conflict and challenge is a learning opportunity:
- People are different and everyone is doing the best they can in any given situation.
- Conflicts are a normal part of healthy relationships – and they can be resolved peacefully, if not always perfectly.
- Big people and little people alike have emotions and needs – and they all matter.
- There are constructive ways to handle emotions and to reconnect after a fight.
Learning to trust the process means showing up consistently in the best way you can on any given day.
Every day is a new opportunity for connection – and do it differently.
Kids don’t think in terms of whether or not we’re good parents. They want nothing more than to feel connected to us. Even when they say or act otherwise, their words and actions are an expression of their own inner needs that we need to take seriously – and not personally. All behaviour is communication – and meaningful.
Our main job as parents – and biggest challenge – is to co-regulate a child’s emotions and needs whilst self-regulating our own.
It’s our job to be present and hold space for our child’s emotions as they learn and grow – whilst at the same time learning to understand what this process does to us, how it makes us feel, what we need and, when it doesn’t come easy, to get support.
This is when self-care is less about lighting a nice candle and drinking a glass of wine (though I do enjoy these things too) and more about self-awareness and getting the emotional support we need to continue to be able to show up for our kids.